It's A Miracle!

Blogger let me on! Granted, it is almost 11pm on New Years Eve and the rest of the planet is out doing something lively and NOT in front of a computer screen, but still....

So, shock and amazement, we are having a boy. I should have known. I took a gigantic leap of faith and wrote articles and stuff about how I was so sure that God wanted me to have another girl so it was destined that I would be pregnant with a boy. I am now three for three in Very Wrong About Gender. I give women's intuition a really bad name.

On the other hand, my Hubs is a great dad of sons, therefore this is boy will be an awesome man of God.

Now for a name...because the one that "God gave me" is totally inappropriate considering the plumbing.

I have three more days that constitute holiday in my house so I'll be sparse and short, but hopefully I'll be back "ON" soon.

1000 Words

Sleeping Through It

I keep having dreams that I have slept through an important event in this baby's life. First I dreamed that I slept through the labor and delivery (which was apparently hard) and the baby was a boy. Considering I thought it should be a girl, I didn't believe them that the baby presented was mine.

And last night I dreamed that I fell asleep in the sonogram. In my dream they did all these preliminary things...not only on me but everyone in the room (my children, Hubs and one random teenager from my church). I fell asleep while they were doing samples on the others. Apparently so did the sonographer. We both woke up just as the appointment was over. I demanded a quick look where she showed me a very bizarre shot of the baby's brain and then kicked me out.

What I want to know is considering the trouble I have sleeping these days, how on earth when I do sleep, do I dream of sleeping through important events?

Any dream interpreters out there?

Oh, my good heavens...blogger let me on. Granted, it took more than an hour to get to the posting site once I opened blogger, but I didn't get an error page! Hubs tells me that it is because I have Explorer 7 and my last computer had 6 and he refuses to take me backwards in time. I have to use Firefox. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So, I'm a freak.

I knew I was a bit of a freak. I'm a freak in my family: they are all melancholy and I'm sanguine. They homeschool. I don't. They don't eat sugar.....And I'M the freak. (she chuckles)

So my family is just enough strange to make me feel somewhat "normal" and then I go to Hub's company Christmas thing.

(insert maniacal laughter here)

Oh. My. Gosh.

I'm a total freak. I've been in my little social circle for so long that I've forgotten how totally freakish I really am.

Seriously. I could console myself with the idea that they are the freaks and I'm the normal one, but come on, even I don't believe it. So, instead, I'll continue to dance around my house singing the eighties "She's a Freak" song until the shock of it all wears off.

Just finished Rene Gutteridge's "Scoop." It was a fun little read.

A Walking Reminder

I promise it isn't me. I can only get on blogger about twice a week these days. Maybe it is the new computer? Someone doesn't like my cookies.

Any-hoo---

A good friend of mine miscarried last weekend. I hate that. It makes me angry. I hate that there is usually nothing that can be done when it happens. But,

She and her husband are strong. I have heard enough of the story to know that they are doing as okay as they can spiritually, emotionally, physically and they will get past this. So for a moment I'm going to go into the all-about-me mode.

The poor girl had to spend four out of the last eight days with me. Four in a row. Me, in all my shining, glowing, blooming, undeniable in-the-family-way glory.

I've been on that side of it. I've miscarried and listenend to some pregnant woman complain about how tired, hungry, or swollen she is. And I'd wonder why she couldn't tone it down. (In my case it was usually because she had no idea.)

I have such a hard time on my side of things. By my 31 years I've suffered three years of infertility. More than one miscarriage. A lot of hopelessness. A lot of hope. I've had the opportunity to adopt and I love it. I want to adopt again. I've been miraculously healed. And now I can get pregnant at the drop of the hat (or whenever God tells me to which is, of course, the preferable method). So I understand both sides of the equation.

I know how annoying it is to see pregnant women when you want to be and can't. I understand how annoying it is to hear pregnant women gripe about the side effects. I understand how annoying it can be to hear moms complain about their bad days.

And I totally get how hard it is to guard your every word around people that are having trouble. Or to not feel free to express the diffuculties of parenting. Or to not feel that adoption is sometimes a stinking lot easier (even though in the throes of it, it didn't feel that way).

So anyway, I'm suffering a guilt complex because I know I'm a walking reminder of what a lot of people want this season and can't have. So I find myself trying to hide behind a coat or big clothes and pretend that I am not blessed indeed. Which I think is again closing myself off.

Sigh.

Best Friends

Yesterday was one of those days where so many things came clear. For years I've complained that I'm lonely and I can't tell Hubs why. It isn't that I can't find someone to spend time with or that I don't have plenty to do. But on those days when I am just at odds with myself I feel like there is no one to call. But yesterday I figured it out.

I'm no one's go-to person.

I'm a great call-in-a-crunch person. I'm a great pinch babysitter. Go to piano recital with not much notice person. Bring a snack to a meeting that starts in 30 minutes person. Offer my home to host something when the original host got sick person. But no one calls me in the throes of a real crisis. I'm usually on the list. I'm often in the lineup of "let Jamie know, okay?" I ALMOST always find out when the crisis has passed but before it is mentioned in passing at the next gathering. Friends, family, you name it.

And this is a problem why? Because that leaves me with no one to call when I'm having a crisis. Like the person on the other end of the line is wondering why I called them. Part of my problem is that the person I would call my go-to person has become a lot of people's go-to person and she doesn't need anymore people caling her with a crisis. My second go-to who has become my go-to has more on her plate than I can even imagine so my stuff seems so petty. But part of it is that you can only be brutally honest with someone so many times without reciprocation before you start feeling naked at a party.

So last night Hubs and I were trying to figure out why neither of us was anyone's emotional go-to person (because everyone will come to him to solve a technical problem). We decided we must be holding ourselves emotinally unavailable. But I don't know how to be any more emotionally available. I don't keep an immacualte house. I don't have perfect children. Heaven knows I don't look the part of perfection, ever. I confess my failings. I send out invites like crazy. but there must be some part of my make up that says "not available." How many times do you tell a people "stop by anytime" "come over in the morning for coffee" "if you need a nap, please call me to watch you squirt" "I have been there...if you need to talk, I promise not to speak" before you just pack it in and quit?

That wasn't a rhetorical question.

And is there any way to get out of this place I'm stuck without just moving to another town, church, whatever and starting over?

I had an eloquent post...

one keystroke and 99% of my post was deleted. What happened? No clue. Hating either Blogger or my new-to-me computer right now.

Integrity

I'm tired of people. We are so fallible. And so annoying.

So today I got an email from someone who purchased an audiobook from me through Amazon. The book was on CD. The CDs were in "like new" condition when they left my home.

Apparently the box is all smushed, the sleeve is all dusty and the CDs are all scratched. Tell me, when CDs are in sleeves and the box is in a padded envelope, how this could happen?

Yes, the box could have been smushed. I don't question that. But there is no way that CDs in a sleeve could get scratched without the envelope tearing (and being run over by a car). Could there be A SCRATCH? I suppose. But I thought i ckecked them over pretty carefully. I am a nonconfrontational person. I don't like being questioned so I go overboard to please, to give the absolute truth.

So it is this person's work against mine. Lovely huh?

I had the stupid CDs less than a week. I got them new. Listened once. Didn't think I'd ever listen again. Listed them and sold them. If the sleeves are dusty, it is because they came that way. Cardboard has fillaments that flake off. I'm sorry. There is no way to prevent that.

So my mind starts questioning this person's integrity. Does this person just want a free CD series and see me as a conduit? If I question the condition, it isn't like they can't scratch it up before sending it back. And then it is ruined for me anyway.

All for the sake of $20. That's it. I'm done. I'll just keep my books. People can buy new. Take it up with the publisher.

Hazardous Duty

I read a great book this afternoon. Not finished, not started, read. Cover to cover.

Okay, yes, I am also snowed in, but still. It's nice to read something that is just plain fun for once. So in case you are inclined to do so, I recommend you pick up Hazardous Duty by Christy Barritt.

It's kind of chick-litty, kinda romantic suspense, whole lotta easy to read sassy.

As typical suspense goes, you'll spend some time telling her "don't go in there!" I'm chicken. I don't go to the grocery store alone at night. Well, not often, anyway.

As good suspense goes, you'll try to make everyone the bad guy at some point, but you only figure it out for sure about a coupla chapter before the reveal. I hate suspense where it is so obvious half a book through who the bad guy is, but they don't get there because there is a word count problem....

Okay, maybe I should have guessed sooner, but I didn't and I consider myself pretty decent at these things.

My two eyebrow raisings took place at the possible deathbed conversion (which was nicely rectified moments later) and that the fact that Einstein was a Christian was raised. I knew he was Jewish...Hubs says he definately believed in God (but can't even back me on the Jewish thing)...but this was a first that someone definitvely called him a Christian. I'm not saying he wasn't, just that it was the first time I'd heard that.

Oh, and the protag is a scientist. You have to know that I'm a sucker for that kind of thing. How many times have I said in my life, "Put me alone in a room with a microscope and I'll be happy...it's the people in life that wear me out." If she weren't such a daredevil, I think we could be friends.

That and she likes iced lattes.

Anyway, you want a fun read. Go here:

What to write, what to write....

Good Heavens, Blogger has been hard for me to get in to. I think it is because they want me to switch to beta and I never have time.

I'm iced in here. I'll love it right up until I find out school isn't closed tomorrow and I'll have to go out in it.

My huge baby brother nearly cut off his finger last night with a table saw. Really.

And had I posted last Friday, I would have said:

A quiet crying headache is NOTHING compared to the agony that hit my stomach shortly after I got myself calmed down Thanksgiving night. I almost wonder if I caused it myself with all my anxiety people pleaser tendencies (which oddly enough leaves no one pleased and is basically worthless except for creating headaches and stomach flu symptoms). And I won't give any more details than that.

If I had blogged on Thanksgiving...

I would have said:

I hate crying quietly. It gives me such a headache.

Wal Mart Got A Clue!

From American Family Association:

Wal-Mart has announced it "will no longer make corporate contributions to support or oppose controversial issues unless they directly relate to their ability to serve their customers." AFA is pleased with this announcement.Wal-Mart made the announcement Tuesday afternoon.

In response to Wal-Mart's statement, AFA has decided to cancel its efforts of encouraging people to not shop at Wal-Mart or Sam's Club this Friday and Saturday.We believe that Wal-Mart will remain neutral in cultural battles.

Click here to see the Wal-Mart announcement.

Please send Wal-Mart a "Thank You" for its statement.
Send Your Letter Now!

Cricket Update

I offered my kids a nickel for each cricket they smash. So far it has been 20 cents well spent.

My husband is awesome, he can get a dozen in about 30 seconds. I try, but screetch more than successfully smash.

The molasses idea has not yet worked.

Vile Creatures

Has anyone ever had an infestation of brown crickets? Is there anything that can possibly be done to rid my home of them?

They have these teeny bodies and gigontomous legs and they climb the wall and they are wrethched and vile and I hate them.

For a while we just had a few. But now I think a nest of eggs must have hatched because they are everywhere.

They used to stay in my basement, but they've made it up to the third story.

Did I mention they climb walls and are wretched and vile cretures?

What do they eat?

I've sprayed.

I am at a loss.

But I carry a shoe with me everywhere I go.

Oh, and they are cannibles. If I leave the carcas, I am assured to find another vile creature feasting when I come back.

Vile.

Scared, but Polite

My three-year-old, Frodo, wanted to wear his Tigger costume today. It is a furry, pull-over vest type thing with a head that is a huge hood and his face peeks out the mouth. I got him all dressed, quite relieved that he wanted to wear anything that WASN'T pajamas. He clomped over to the mirror and announced, "I look redic-ul-lous."

He says the darndest things.

Last night he awakened, as he has done several times lately, terrified. Hubs went up to him and he apparently asked for me. I met them halfway and tried to take him, but he wouldn't move from Daddy's arms to mine so I kinda hugged him over Hub's back. He continued to scream and I eventually asked if he wanted me to rock him.

"YES! SANK YOU!"

In his terror he screamed it. It still makes me giggle. I know it probably shouldn't, but you just have to picture this kid who isn't even really responding to anything, suddenly hears what he wants and screams his confirmation. Not just yes, but yes, thank you.

He settled right down.

I'm Annoying, Again

And oh, how I hate it.

I honestly don't think anything has changed. If anything, my house is cleaner than it has been. The food is still there and ready at mealtimes. The clothes are all laundered. And my personality, which, I admit, has it's annoying traits, has not been especially severe, just normally annoying.

So why can I not open my mouth without creating exasperation?

I would just climb into the hole of silence, but then I get accused of being upset, or giving the silent treatment and suddenly I'm the one with the problem.

Meanwhile, I'm going to do my best to not be offended, or offensive. I typically become less annoying, eventually. If not, well, maybe I can get a lobotomy.

In an attempt to "get away," I'm reading about the Caribbean.

Generation NeXt Parenting by Tricia Goyer

I read a book recently that gave me a little insight as to why I do what I do in regard to parenting my children. And I thought I was just nuts. Apparently, there is this whole generation of us who want to "do it right" and that doesn't necessarily mean the way our parents did it.

Okay, fess up parents (the 45 and under crowd), you've read at least one parenting book, haven't you? And probably not just one....say 10? At least skimmed. Because we don't want to screw up our kids, do we? I want to get it right. So much responsibility. So many things that can go wrong. So much judgement--or we see it even if it isn't there--if only from ourselves.

So I picked up Generation NeXt Parenting by Tricia Goyer expecting her to tell me how to do it right. And she didn't.

The nerve. The audacity. Ah, the freedom.

What she has done is basically provide a (do I dare say it?) devotional (now don't run screaming!) for parents. It is a spiritual journey to read this book. Yes, she goes into why we do things the way we do them. How we do things. What we try not to do. And, true, there are a few suggestions as to how to be better parents. Like search the Word, dig deeper with God, rely on God, don't wallow in your past. You know, easy stuff (guffaw).

And she brings together so many other sources of insight. Quotes from many of the books I've searched out and read (and been intimidated by). Oh, and applicable 80s music lines that are oh, so apropos.

Here are just a few nuggets:

From Seeing is Believing, by Gregory A. Boyd: "The fruit of the Spirit is not a goal we can and must seek to attain. Indeed, it is called the fruit of the Spirit precisely because it is the fruit of the Spirit and not the product of our own effort."

From Tricia: "If we can focus on what we know about God, and His ways first--above the latest "good parent" advice--we'll have more peace about our decisions concerning our kids."

"Our time with our kids is once-in-a-lifetime. How sad it would be if we missed out on the beauty of this journey by living under a burden of self-imparted guilt and dissatisfaction...especially when we have a God who is offering us grace and loving kindness."

Oh, and right up there in my top ten favorite: "Just as each of our kids is special and unique, we need to accept that the same is true of us as parents, too. We won't do everything well, and we shouldn't expect ourselves to."

A warning to the overstimulated: there are a lot of font changes in this book. But chances are, the fonts will take you on a visit down memory lane. I guess the pubs remember who we are: the TV generation. Keep our minds stimulated to keep us interested...

This is a great book and you too have the opportunity to read it! Just leave a comment before next Friday (that is a week from today) and I'll draw one lucky winner to receive a free copy (I believe it is even autographed). But, you'll have to leave me a way to contact you for your info, so annonymous people should either watch for the winner next Friday or email me about who you are, okay?

And those of you who don't want to wait, get it at your local Christian bookstore or here:

Too Little, Too Late

Last night, Hubs told me that Wal-Mart has decided to buck the Happy Holidays issue and use Merry Christmas. Too little, too late, I say. How about we donate 5% of our proceeds to a Christian organization and THEN I'll consider darkening their doors again.

And an open apology re:puke.

To my Hubs who got pummeled the other day about the puke,

Shoot, anyone who is so good handling freaky nightmares deserves one failing point.

And to the witnesses,

It was only my child's puke. I just ALMOST joined him. We are all well now.

Lovingly yours,

How Many Pennies are Your Beliefs Worth?

I caved this morning. I HAD to go to Sam's because I dropped off film many weeks ago and I can't stand to lose whatever memories were trapped in their photo department. But the photo department had no one manning it when I got in so I crossed over to the dairy section. I'm telling you Sam's prices on cheese can't be beat. Not even with sales and coupons. Since no one has called for an official boycott, I got what I knew would probably be my last cheap cheese for a while. All the while I'm thinking, "How much is your soul worth, Jamie? How cheap does cheese need to be in order for you to go against what you know to be true?" And I bought it anyway since I was picking up pictures.

Meanwhile, I got this email from American Family Association. They aren't even calling for a real boycott. I think they know that we bow down to the almighty dollar. This one was easy to sign. Meanwhile, I'll be searching for other places to shop. How is the whole Target and "holidays" thing going this year?

Okay, and it isn't that I think Wal-Mart shouldn't hire homosexuals or whatever, but if we are going to give donations to special interest groups, why not World Vision, Samaritan's purse, the Gideons? This just went W-a-a-a-a-a-y across the line.

From AFA:
In a show of support to help homosexuals legalize same-sex marriage, Wal-Mart has agreed to automatically donate 5% of online sales directly to the Washington DC Community Center for Gay, Lesbian Bisexual and Transgender People. The cash donation will come from online purchases made at Wal-Mart through the homosexual group's Web site. This move follows Wal-Mart's joining the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and agreeing to give generous financial help to that organization also.

Every purchase made online for books, music, videos, clothing and accessories, children's clothing and toys, and electronics at the site will automatically send 5% of the sales to the CCBLBT People. The agreement is an indication that Wal-Mart is totally committed to supporting the homosexual movement.

Wal-Mart also gave a generous cash donation to the Northwest Arkansas Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Community Center, helping to provide a place where homosexuals can come together to "socialize."

Many observers feel it would have been a wise business decision for Wal-Mart to remain neutral in the cultural battle over homosexual marriage. But this was an ideological decision by Wal-Mart - not a business decision.

Take Action
1. Sign the petition to Wal-Mart letting them know you will be one of the 1,000,000 families who will not shop at Wal-Mart or Sam's Club on the Friday or Saturday following Thanksgiving.

2. VERY IMPORTANT! Millions of Americans are not aware of Wal-Mart's support for homosexual marriage. PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

3. Print out and distribute the Wal-Mart Pass Along Sheet by clicking here. For past Wal-Mart Action Alerts, plus answers to your questions (where to shop?), Click Here.
Click Here to Sign the Petition to Wal-Mart Now!