Oh, the Horror!

I saw my doctor today. The read deal. The Doctor. Not a PA. Not a Nurse Practitioner. THE doctor.

I figure I go to the doctor once a year and, by golly, I am going to see a doctor, even if I do have to schedule myself three and a half months out.

As, as I have mentioned, I insist upon seeing the Doctor (MD, that is), and, as I have mentioned, I only see him once a year (and usually a little more than that as I forget that I have to schedule three months out and sometimes my schedule conflicts with my schedule once the three months is up and I have to reschedule--three months out), I save up all my woes for the year to ask him about.

Like the moles on my back that my chiropractor called "suspicious."
Like the fact that my vision has done some random fuzzy, blurry, tunnel vision, woozy things.
Like the burning in my stomach that sometimes grows to pain of such ferocity that not only can I not sleep (did that double negative there?), I can't even lie down and must rock back and forth on all fours and then prowl about the house at 3AM when others in the house are trying to sleep.
Like the high blood pressure???! (what?)

Didn't know about the last one until my appt. this morning. And most of you would consider my blood pressure "normal" but I assure you that for a woman who can be five days overdue and in labor and still have a blood pressure of 98/63, 130/78 is HIGH.

What the heck?

Guess what he told me?

Coffee.

(bleep)

My mom asked, "Is there anything WORSE he could have told you?"

Well, I'm sure there was, but under the circumstances, I'm having a hard time thinking of what that might be. (no lectures, I know, nothing is malignant, I'll live until I'm 90---if I give up the coffee---but GAH!)

Which brings me to the book I read this week, TOTALLY FOR FUN, which extrapolates on the joy of coffee. Let me give you a few nuggets from The God Cookie:

"'If you drink enough coffee, you can forget to eat for roughly two days before your eyes roll up in your head and you collapse into a twitching heap.'"

Does that sound like blurred tunnel vision? This sentence would resonate with me for a reason, that's for sure.

And this: "'I always wanted to help humanity through the caffeine arts.'"

Followed by this: "'They sip, that tension between their eyes releases, their eyebrows come to life. You see the happy blinking after the first blush of caffeine rises to their cheeks and they can face the day, a productive, caffeinated human being.'"

He's been spying on me, I tell you!

Seriously, though goofy, this book was also meaty. I loved this: "What if he'd never risked anything, never put anything on the table but always expected God to play? Hadn't he treated God, often as not, more like a magic dispenser than a fellow player at a game of cards?"

Ouch.

Anyhoo, I discovered Geoffrey Wood when he wrote Leaper which is a fabulous Unbreakable-meets-Jumper-meets-GOD off-the-wall extraordinarily fun and awesome read (deep breath) and when I saw The God Cookie (and I've waited FAR TOO LONG for another by this guy--it's been like two years, dude (Um, however it has apparently been out since February, but don't read that the wrong way. I just got it last week. I'm slow on the uptake of new releases if I don't see them on a review list.)) I snatched and coveted and snarfed it down in a satisfying, can't-get-anything-done-I'm-readin' kinda bibliofile gluttonous feast.

And if you're into that kind of thing, you won't want to miss, well, frankly, either of them.

Even if you don't like coffee. You crazy person, you.

(Look at that! Leaper is only a penny. A PENNY people! That is wrong on so many levels.)