I awoke this morning mad at myself. Furious. For letting myself fall into a pattern of predictable.
My sister, homeschooling mother of eight, often says she wants to write a book titled, "We Meant to be Normal."
I think I should write a book called, "I Meant to be Extraordinary....." I'm not going to go into my many failures, my wishes, hopes, or dreams that didn't come true. Too much wallowing in the pits of wouldda shouldda couldda just makes a person depressed. I know. I was there yesterday. Just couldn't get my feet under me. Aggravated that I haven't done this or I didn't do that. Aggravated that my house hasn't sold and any number of other things. Aggravated that I couldn't even blame it on hormones.
I flopped down at the table and unloaded on My Beloved (I think there were even tears involved). He's discouraged, too. This isn't what we expected 34 to be, apparently. But My Beloved, he is smart.
"I think we're bored."
Yeah, that sums it up and puts a name tag on it. We are two very busy people. Busy, busy, busy. So much to do. Filling others expectations at the expense of our own desires. Part of that is parenting. Part of it is surviving. Most of it is trying to please people that simply won't be pleased, no matter what we do.
God gave the two of us desires that make absolutely no sense to anybody but us. We can't explain it. We gave up trying years ago. And in the meantime, we go with the flow.
Note to the three of you reading this that think I make waves, lots and lots of waves: If only you knew what kind of waves I'm capable of. Get out your rain coat. A tidal wave's a comin'.
If Nehemiah can rouse the people of Jerusalem to rebuild the wall in 52 days, surely I, with God on my side, can do something extraordinary. Regardless of whether it makes me insane to others.
Going with the flow has never really been my forte.
I used to listen to this guy, Ed Foreman, who did a speech entitled How to Make Every Day a Goooooood Day. I listened to him every day until I could say the whole thing along with him. And I'm pretty certain it is Ed Foreman's voice in my head that tells me ..."Every Day In Every Way, I'm Getting Better!"
I refuse to wallow in mediocrity ONE MORE DAY. I'm sick of it. It does not please my God. It does not please me. It might make me a good drone, but I never wanted to be a drone anyway.
I think it is no small coincidence that immediately after we put a name to our apathy, Beloved and I came up with new and fun ideas that had us laughing well into the night. We didn't sleep well, but, hey, sleep is for the bored.