Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Rebel

Today I was thinking about how I want to get my nosed pierced and what's holding me back.

I've got this inner rebellious streak that just keeps rising up within me and when it does, I feel like this life that I lead is absolutely suffocating me. (Not my man and kids....the rest of it. The prim and proper church-goer that tries to not make inflammatory remarks...and fails....repeatedly....daily...hourly. Part of the problem being that I don't mean for the remarks to be inflammatory and only figure out that they are when I see the other proper church-goer's reactions.) And I thought, Shoot. I'm gonna do it.What difference could it possibly make?

I really think I would have done it had I been at a mall.

Twice in the last two days I've heard people described as "gentle." NO ONE would EVER describe me as gentle. Not in a million years. What is prized in Christian women? Gentle and quiet spirits.

Never gentle. Never quiet. If I am quiet, you know that I am absolutely STEAMING and just wait and watch for the top to pop. It will happen. (Crap, I just let you in on a secret that would be better left concealed.)

Every now and then my spirit is quiet. I remember once, approximately 13 years ago, driving home alone from Minnesota and being completely at peace. I had a moment last Thursday when I suddenly remembered that I had four children and a house on the market. I suspect the moment immediately preceding that moment I was completely at peace. Those peaceful, quiet, and possibly gentle moments are rare. I am currently suffering, however, from tightness in my neck so severe that I'm sure I should take something for it and go to bed.

I just have to believe, though, that God made me this way. I'm not using it as an excuse to be rude and high-strung. I really don't MEAN to be rude. I'm just very blunt. And not gentle in my bluntness. You don't, however, have to wonder very long at what I'm thinking. Surely that can be a good thing....sometimes?

So anyway, yesterday I was feeling a bit low, one because I have an inner ear issue that doesn't want to resolve and more importantly because I'll never, in a million years, be described as "gentle." Brash, maybe. Harsh, possibly. Rebellious, likely. Loud, absolutely. And I was thinking about striving to be gentle so that someone would describe ME someday as gentle. And I started to feel like I couldn't get air.

And I decided it might be time to pierce my nose.

Hopefully someone will find a good adjective for me when it comes time to give me flowers on my retirement.

From what, I do not know.

But I have a hunch what they'll come up with is "Gets things done, not necessarily right, but she shows up and even if she has a bad attitude about it, laughs a lot. LOUDLY."

Yippee.

Now where is THAT in Proverbs 31?

4 comments:

Theresa said...

OH, Jamie, how I relate!

The one thing that consistently shows up on my annual reviews at work is that I intimidate my co-workers with my tone of voice and body language. I'm truly just a "git 'er done" type of person.

I would love to be described as gentle and kind. It'll never happen.

S said...

I cannot stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been contemplating the exact same thing since Sunday!!!!
In my "getting real" fits the last few weeks/months, I've been coming to grips with how hard I've been trying to play the gentle woman who is unphased by anything and loves everyone. But, seriously, what fun is that?
I was praying the other day that God would just give me a muzzle and a mask---to shut my up and hide my facial expressions.
I love you girl! This was such a great post.

Anonymous said...

I must comment on this one, girl. You know you are P/M (I think you know what I mean) and P's are intense. God made you that way. Period. I heard someone talking about this recently. The intensity is God-given so he obviously wants you to use it - just not to roll over people. So, you (I) must find ways to express it to Him. Does that make sense? If we don't use it, we are not being who God made us to be. Yes, there is refining we must go through. I'm not denying that. But intensity is God-given. Just look at some Biblical characters (hmmm...John the Baptist comes to mind). BTW - I have a dear friend - good long time AG'er - who has a nose pierce. She is in charge of all the bible studies at my church. So there. Love you.

Joyce

Senior Citizen said...

Daddy Be Nice Pills - Yep. Never felt like piercing my nose, but sure felt like fist piercing someone Else's lip. Mrs Sr. hides my coffee cup and gives me Daddy Be Nice Pills. Don't like it, but, it Works for me, but it doesn't help find that darn cup. Pass the pills please, I know it was her that hid that darn cup. Sr.