Friday, July 27, 2012

I Live With Candace Flynn and Other Nonsense

My Princess has suddenly made herself very concerned about her siblings' safety, behavior, and all around lifestyles. I'm beginning to think I live with Candace Flynn.

We've been in self-induced seclusion for nearly a week. And yet, today, I have a child with pinkeye. How do you get an infectious disease without being out? Seriously, we went to a parade and walked through the fair for 45 minutes. I should seriously play the lottery. I feel like boiling my entire family and our home in bleach.

I first heard the song Call Me Maybe for the first time on Monday. Today it is everywhere and I can sing along. Thank you Team USA women's swimming?

I'm back to hating my cat. If someone doesn't come get her, like yesterday, she is going to die. The end. PETA peeps can come get her, I don't want the comments. She moved into my house without my permission and she can go now. I think I've ethically treated her for as long as should be required of a person who is a self-professing non-animal-lover.

Something in my post yesterday struck a nerve. All those years of writing Very Important Things and my "Africa has made me a hermit" post is the one that gets a zillion hits. Interesting.

My children actually think it is possible to put me on a guilt trip for wanting to use my own computer. They are all hovering over me like it will speed me up. I've got news for you, YES, YOU MISS READING OVER MY SHOULDER, this is MY computer and I'm allowed to use it sometimes!

I am a 35. I am not a 34 and I am not a 36. I don't care if 36 rounds down to 35. It doesn't work. It is on my severe left nerve. After all these years, I'm surprised that someone hasn't fixed this problem. Apparently I am the only one. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are a man.

My family of seven is $1400 short (anual income, not monthly, $1400 over a whole year) of qualifying for free lunches at school. If you've seen how we live, you'll agree with me that something is wrong with that system. Though, now that I think about it, $1400 is about what I'll spend for school lunches this coming year, so maybe their math is more accurate than I know.

Nope, I'm going to have to go with "Seriously?" And you know what? When I tell people, they don't believe me. Either I'm more wickedly frugal than even I can conceive, or that system is broken. I might have to write a letter to the editor. It enrages me.

Apparently the only way to keep my children in their beds is to give them very loud and angry permission to get out. Also, kids tend to pick up on mom's tension. I know! Mom's stressed! Let's follow her around and FIGHT! Awesome plan, dude! And while we're at it, let's leave our candy wrappers ALL OVER THE FLOOR! She'll love it! Oh, you are so smart! I wish I could come up with your ideas! You have all the good ones! Ooooooo! Ooooooo! And we'll turn up our music REALLY LOUD and then fight about THAT, too! YES!!!!! Hey, before we start, let's go pee ALL OVER THE BATHROOM! And not wipe it up! Sweet! That is a PLAN, man!  


4 comments:

Wendi said...

I had to google candace flynn.

Sounds like Satan. You need to go charasmatic crazy all over your house.

I only listen to klove. (so holy, I know. My kids are scared that I will lose my salvation if anything else is on..j/k)

My blog posts that get the biggest hits are the ones that have type-os in the title.

Your kids want your stuff and your attention because you are that super cool.

I am a man.

Don't even get me started on school lunches. Michelle Obama and crazy feds have got me working almost full time now. Of couse, that means I get a paycheck. Maybe their adjenda is the create more jobs with insane regulations so they can give everyone and their cat free lunches.

Oh, your cat. I'll send Max over. :)

Chaos-Jamie said...

Wendi, I think that the only reason I didn't hear it before this week was because I only listen to Klove for the same reason.

My kids want my attention because they think it will speed me up. They are indeed wrong.

bras.

If I wasn't so busy paying for everyone else's free lunches with my ridiculously high taxes, i dont' think it would tick me off so much. I don't begrudge the children would would not eat if there weren't reduced lunches, but mine won't miss a meal and I'm guessing I'm not alone. Even if they hae to eat PB&J. Maybe that's because I don't buy them bigloos.

Unknown said...

I was a man for a bit...then I finally got it. :) AND I posted yesterday, but I have posted on previous Very Important posts, too. :P And I don't know who Candace Flynn is...and I might be ok with that. :)

Kim said...

yuck about the cat. i'm so not a cat person.
we LOVE phineas and ferb. and while candace's whine is all kinds of annoying, i also find her a bit endearing.
hang in there.