Yesterday I was interviewed for the news. I saw it coming. As I walked from the pet store to my van after shoe shopping with my kids the camera literally followed my path.
Yes, I'm vain, I noticed. Besides news cameras aren't prevalent in my neighborhood when there are no emergency vehicles around.
So the news lady wondered if I could comment on a bizarre story. Apparently the night before some dude exposed himself to a clerk at the store where I'd just purchased shoes. Did I have any comment?
"Well, it's pretty gross."
Yes, my friends, there is a reason that the people interviewed on the news seem stupid. You see they are handed precious little information and asked what they think. She wondered how it made me feel, and whether I was scared, frightened, or wouldn't shop at night....
I finally held my hand up to the camera (laughingly) and told her to stop, I didn't want to be another stupid person on the news (who hadn't taken a shower and was wearing ill fitting clothes due to my aformentioned condition).
What I would have said had I had time to think, shower and put on makeup:
"That is one sad, sick, little man."
"Only an idiot would think that would do anything for a woman, don't they know that doesn't turn us on?"
"Oh, I'm totally terrified, I will never shop here after dark again." (total lie, when would I go without kids?)
"Show yourself to me buddy and I'll probably laugh my head off. It isn't like my sons don't show that off all the time anyway. You must be about 3."
I turned the news on in a moment of weak narcissism. I turned it off quickly. Who wants to see themselves as a perfect idiot. I figure if I made it on the news someone would let me know.
Besides, surely they got a better quote than, "gross."