Thursday, December 06, 2007

Torn

The short story is I want to adopt again.

The long story goes something like this:

I was just marveling last night about how ungrateful I am. God has given me this wonderful gift of the ability to bear and bring forth extraordinarily healthy babies. And what I am really drawn to do is adopt.

It is like having straight hair in a world of curly haired people who want your straight hair, but you just wish you had a little body in yours.

I would know about that, too.

I used to think that all I wanted out of life was to be able to be pregnant, and stay pregnant, just once. And after I adopted Eldest, I was thoroughly convinced that pregnancy wasn't necessary to unconditionally adore a small person.

Then God healed me.

I was watching a show I shouldn't have been watching last night when one of the characters said something like, "She was adopted and she deserves to have someone in her life that looks just like her." This is in reference to why a woman should be able to have a biological baby even if the husband can't produce the necessary requirement for her to do so.

I've never been all that caught up in my genetics. Maybe it is because my children don't look like me; they look like Hubs. But I get frustrated nearly every time that someone exclaims, "He looks just like you! (Or Just like his daddy!)" I know it is meant to be a complement, but can they not see my other son, right there, that also wants to be like Daddy? And aside from that, how many more of those people do we need in the world? Have another one, just like the other one?

If that is what people want to do, more power to them, but my idea of a family being carbon copies went out the window many a year ago. It frustrates me to no end that most of us look alike. Even though I think ALL my children are incredibly wonderful.

How selfish is that?

(I've been through infertility and I know someone is hacked off at me right now. I would apologize except perspectives change with life circumstances.)

So last night I was on this website. I watched their videos and cried and cried. I want so badly to provide a home for some of those children.

Here's my dilemma. God is the author and creator of life. He doesn't create life without a purpose. So, is it wrong to prevent pregnancy in order to care for the children already in this world? Because essentially I'm telling God that I know better. Or is this one of those situations like skin diseases of the Old Testament that God put me in the world at such a time as this so that I could prevent? I am so confused.

I don't want to open a whole can or worms with a controversial issue. This is just where my mind is right now and I'm trying to sort it out. Biblical directive to "Be fruitful and multiply" vs. "Pure and undefiled religion is this: to care for the orphan..."

Because I'm telling you, with today's laws and my ability to handle stress, both ain't gonna simultaneously happen.

4 comments:

Nurse Boy said...

Chaos Jamie,
There is no advice to give you. You can see both sides of what direction you could take. I think you can find scripture that would support either stance. If I said pray about it, that would sound like just a canned Christian answer. Short of God telling you not to adopt, or not to have any more children from your own seed, there is not a moral issue that I can see. You and hubs will thrive either way.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...

Maybe it depends on if you believe more in the sovereignty of God or the direction of God. Or, if you trust so much in the sovereignty of God that you trust Him to give you a bio child even if you are preventing if He wants to you to have that. Heck, think about this...you can not adopt purely through sovereignty. It doesn't just happen without actually making a decision whereas a bio child certainly can. So this is not an apples and oranges argument. I know one couple who recently did prevent while applying for their children from Kaz. They considered that a step of faith. Then they stopped preventing after they got home with their two boys and conceived a child (yes they had infertility first). So maybe it just depends on your own convictions. OK, I basically told you nothing. But hey, this is not a simple question with simple answers :>)

Joyce

Anonymous said...

Let me ask you this: is it possible that God gave you a heart for adoption, but that right now is not His timing? Maybe He has every intention of having you adopt, but who says it's supposed to be now?

You could have several more bio babies and then be called to adopt several other's a few years down the road. There are a LOT of family-building years ahead of you. I know you want to do it now, and I KNOW (!!!!!) how hard it is to wait on God's timing, but His timing is perfect and not fueled by human emotions (darn it!!!).

If you decide to "stop" conception, will you some day regret that decision if you suddenly experience infertility again?

You are young. God gave you a heart to adopt for a reason. He KNOWS the desires of your heart. The point being that He can and may very well be planning to do BOTH. In His time.

You want the child that God has already decided is your's, right? What if that child has yet to be conceived? What if that child won't be conceived for two more years? What about three?

However, I don't think that there is a "wrong" answer. Make sure you're letting God work, but having children and adopting children is both honorable AND God honoring.

I think I've mentioned this to you before, but I faced a similar "decision" about a year ago, once we were logged in to China (this is Lesley, btw....too lazy to figure out my log-in). I was panicked(!) at the idea of getting pregnant (which, ironically, used to be all I thought about wanting) and somehow jeapardizing our adoption. In fact, I found out last week that if I DO get pregnant, the adoption would have to be canceled (not because that's what I would want, but because China would make us qualify under the new requirements, and we don't). Talk about panic!

Off track, sorry. Anyway, once I finally gave that concern to God, it became clear to me that stopping the growth of my family would be strange, considering my intention with adoption was to grow my family. Yes, I want to adopt more then anything in this world. In my heart, my daughter IS MY CHILD. If I got pregnant now, I would go through a very real mourning period, because I would have to tell that "dream" (a journey I am still certain God had me take, regardless of the outcome) goodbye.

But I can't deny my future children my womb OR an airplane ride home, because I have to accept that God knows how to best build my family, and in what order my children will come to me (or if I'll even be allowed to have more children....having a hard time coming to terms with that, since China gets screwier each month).

Okay - I think this officially got longer then your post, lol. I hope some of my rambling made sense. I completely understand how you feel and why you feel the way you do. I know you've probably done this, but give it to God (sometimes that's hard to REALLY do, because we are afraid He'll tell us "no"). It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Yikes - just looked at the clock and I must get in the shower. Forgive typo's or incoherent ramblings!

Theresa said...

Jamie, if God has plans to increase your family with another child, biological or adoptive, He will. He knows your heart, and He knows your longing to mother, and He knows the plans that He has for you. Pray, Trust, and put out feelers about another adoption. If you conceive, you may just be doubly blessed. God will give you the strength and peace that you need as you need it. ((HUGS))