Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Snappage

Because I have to look too many of you in the face someday, here is the edited version of what I can't stand to leave up

Somewhere along the line, like when I was cleaning puke chunks out of my washer while a screaming baby was hanging on my knees, pulling down my pants, I snapped.

I simply cannot do it all.

And here's the thing. I know most people wouldn't think that I even approached "doing it all." I don't have a job. And I don't do the wife/mother/housekeeper/cook job very well either. But that which I do do? I can't do it.

(whine, whine, whine, whine, whine)
(controversial, touchy subjects that I shouldn't post)

I have no idea how to parent my kids. They all need something different. And I'm at the end of ideas. Why does my son save all his awful behavior for me? Why am I the only person in his life that doesn't deserve respect? And what about Princess? When does it get to be her turn to need me?

Is there even a chance that I can recover my shower from the mold growing on it?

If we have this many ants now, what does that say for summer?

Will I ever cook a healthy meal that my family will actually eat? Or will they just continue to stare at what I set before them like I'm trying to poison them?

Why do I feel compelled to write? I never did when I was younger. I was a math and science girl. If I totally gave up writing today, why do I think that I was giving up on a dream? This wasn't my dream. My dream had more to do with curing cancer and other noble goals. Can I just quit and walk away? Because I think that now I only write because I feel like I have something to prove. Like I admitted to people that I wrote a novel and now I can't not write because I don't want to be a failure in yet another area. I didn't want to write a novel. I wrote one because a publisher asked for one. That they didn't want it should not make my life a failure. But that's what I see anyway.

My heroine was based on me. And every reader calls her whiny. I hate her.

And what's up with the people who are sharing opinions but do it in such controversial, combative language? Would that I had such confidence that I could just say what I think and assume everyone around me would naturally agree.

And I think I'm a huge disappointment to God. I'm always hearing that God put these "talents" in me and that someday I'm going to die and find out all I should have done that I didn't do. But I'm doing so much poorly that I can't even see the things I should do. And I read all the devotionals and books that tell me I can't do it all and should just give up trying except that I shouldn't give up trying and

IT MAKES NO SENSE!

It makes sense when I'm reading it and then I try to apply it and I'm incapable. And I consider myself a relatively intelligent person. Sometimes I think we know too much anymore to even grasp faith. No wonder our world is going to hell.


5 comments:

Sea Sang In Us said...

And I thought snappage meant you were posting photos :-)

I've been where you are. Allow me to be your future self and tell you that it will all be just fine. You are doing a great job.

You don't know me and I don't know you, except what I've read in your blog. Based on what I've read you're doing great, better than great. You have four souls (five if you count hubby) who are blessed to have you. Hang in there.

Imperfect Mom said...

First and foremost, it doesn't matter what other people do. They are NOT you, they don't walk in your shoes. I have no idea what it's like to be you, just like you don't know what it's like to be me. Variety is the spice of life, and all that jazz.

Describe what your ideal is.....not what you think it should be, in comparison to someone else, but what is YOUR ideal? You can wipe yourself out trying to "be" what you think you should be, but every small victory will be insignificant, because it doesn't mean anything to you.

Theresa said...

Oh, how I can relate!!! And I have NO children at home, just a very uncooperative mother!

We will get thru this, and the best thing to do is to be ourselves and do what we can do.

Jen D said...

I'd say you dropped your basket alright. I find that I do this temporarily too. Why do we take on all this stuff anyhow? Some of it we choose -- what are we nuts? Yes, we are and I love you!

Angi said...

I have so been where you are. Life with little ones does that to you. But, I promise, it does get better. Well, at least different, in a not so emotionally and physically draining way.
Concentrate 1st on your family and personal relationship with Christ. Don't worry about all the other stuff.
And try to get a few days off. No kids, no hubby, no house, no chores. No computer. It will make all the difference.