Last Sunday (yes, 8 days ago) my pastor did a sermon on IDon'tKnowWhat (because it's been 8 days and a lot happens in 8 days, I must be the ground that was trod upon where the seed is easily snatched or the ground that is weedy where the cares of the world choke out the word but we all know who isn't the fertile soil this week)
In that sermon he threw this list on the overhead wherein he described people's understanding of God. Is He the Diving Watchmaker? Is He the Harsh Taskmaster? The Friendly Friend? etc, etc. And I sat through that and wondered which one I tended toward.
As I'm prone to do, I mulled while living life, growing increasingly frustrated because there are people in my life that I can't seem to please, that no matter what I do, they express disappointment, or I read disappointment, or their body language screams disappointment. As I was festering I very clearly felt God ask me why I worried so much about disappointing others more than I worried about disappointing Him.
Except, of course, as these "conversations" often go, I realized it was because I view God as The God Who Is Always Disappointed In Me.
Hmmmm, this is coming out wrong. I think what I mean is that I try so hard not to disappoint people because I'm trying so hard not to disappoint God and maybe the reason I always read disappointment in people is because I know that people and God aren't much different in that they both have very high expectations. People can't be pleased. If you give them everything they want, they will demand more. And I attribute that to God. If nothing I can do will ever please people (certain people, to be exact, but it extends to most people in one way or another) HOW on EARTH can I expect that anything I do will please God whose standards are above reach? (Without Jesus, I know, but work with me here. He still expects us to live as Jesus lives unless I'm reading my Bible wrong.)
You can ask which came first, the chicken or the egg, and the answer is, I don't know (well, as to the chicken, it was the chicken, but as to this dilemma...?). I don't know if I've always that that about God, or always through that about people, because, as far as I can remember, I've felt that about both.
Sometimes I kill myself trying to please everyone around me and sometimes my giveadamn is broken and I quit them all and don't even bother.
And I don't know what that says about what I do with God.
I don't have the answers. I'm not asking, either. It's my blog. I'm vomiting onto my keyboard because I can. Which shows you what kind of a don'tgiveadamn kind of day I'm having.
Oddly enough, aside from the obvious sinning taking place in my vocabulary, God and I are OK today. It's people I've got nuthin for.