I lost someone yesterday. And I wasn't the one who lost anyone. But I was looking forward to this someone.
And my belly is still huge.
My father has suffered survivors guilt for years since his company was sent to Vietnam while he was sent to Germany...and his whole company was obliterated sans him. We are of course glad to have him, but the pain he suffers anytime there is a documentary is awful. I hope he doesn't read this.
I think I have baby surviving guilt. In this warmer weather, I find myself trying to hide a nearly full term belly behind big warm clothes instead of the cooler she's-obviously-going-to-pop-soon clothes. Hiding from everyone. Because you never know if that sad (or happy-ish) looking woman in aisle 3 is dying to be pregnant and my waddle hurts her on the deepest level.
But today I'm grieving another loss and wondering if my presence will hurt or help.