Thursday, February 22, 2007

Grieving

I lost someone yesterday. And I wasn't the one who lost anyone. But I was looking forward to this someone.

And my belly is still huge.

My father has suffered survivors guilt for years since his company was sent to Vietnam while he was sent to Germany...and his whole company was obliterated sans him. We are of course glad to have him, but the pain he suffers anytime there is a documentary is awful. I hope he doesn't read this.

I think I have baby surviving guilt. In this warmer weather, I find myself trying to hide a nearly full term belly behind big warm clothes instead of the cooler she's-obviously-going-to-pop-soon clothes. Hiding from everyone. Because you never know if that sad (or happy-ish) looking woman in aisle 3 is dying to be pregnant and my waddle hurts her on the deepest level.

But today I'm grieving another loss and wondering if my presence will hurt or help.

2 comments:

Liz said...

As a lady who was dying to be pregnant, and now with my divorce has put that dream aside indefinitely, the waddle and the cute babies don't hurt me. The complaining about the pregnancy hurts me.

I'm sorry for your loss though. Weep with those who weep. Ask her what you can do to make her loss easier to bear. :)

Meredith said...

Jamie, I ache for you on your loss. And I understand about the discomfort you feel about causing others pain because of your pregnancy. I was very conscious of that with my pregnancy, too.

Sending you hugs and sunshine. :)