Crossing the Line

Yesterday I was nursing Charming when I was nearly overcome with love for him. He is fabulous. He is a treasure. I can't imagine my life without him.

I argued with God over whether I should have him.

No, not after conception. Before. God and I argued for nearly two years. Well I argued. God, He just kept saying His piece.

Now I wonder what I potentially missed. I mean this started long enough ago that I could be missing a whole person. Because it is easier for me to contend with, I'm going to assume that God knew I would fight Him for two years and that is why He started so soon. Because I want to, I'm even going to believe that there is a two year old brown girl out there that will soon find her way to our family to fill that gap. But that is another story for another day.

So, after I put little Charming down in his bed I was still thinking about how great he is and how glad I am that I finally let God win. And then I thought, basically, "But it's the last time."

After several years of infertility I made all kinds of resolutions that I'd NEVER use birth control again (this coming from someone who used it all of three months. NFP, yes, "real methods," no), but when I got to the point that Frodo was potty trained and would basically follow me around the store, etc., life got pretty easy. Like last summer. I just knew that this summer I'd be able to go to the pool with the kids and sit and read a novel.

(I think God is snickering.)

Nope. I'm hauling around a sweaty little baby. Dodging from one patch of shade to another so as to not burn his sensitive skin. Cramming my post-partum flab into a swimming suit that is so not attractive. This is not what I had envisioned.

I got off track again. Baby brain.

So I was thinking about the fever I get after I give birth. I get it every time. I don't like it. It isn't easy. I don't want to do it again. I want to adopt (have I mentioned that?:D). And just as quickly I thought, "but he's worth it."

And, just like that, I know I've crossed the line. I can't think of a single reason bad enough to stop me from having another baby. Which means I probably will.

I crossed the invisible line to the "larger family" corner with Charming, but I think I've crossed another line in my mind. I'm terrified. And I'm excited to see what God has in store. It's an unusual life in today's society. But God never promised that we'd be normal, did he?