Thursday, June 28, 2007

I'm having one of those weeks where I have so much to say that I'm not saying any of it. I guess I'm processing. Self flagellating. A little congratulating.

Lots of praying.

Meanwhile, I'm reading this book, Barefoot, in which one of the characters is diagnosed with lung cancer. 31. Young kids. Not a smoker. And she's always been a list maker. Now that she is dying, she only keeps one list. A running list.

Things which no longer matter.

I've found myself keeping that running list this week as I process and/or self-flagellate. Friends coming over when the house is a pit. Throwing out something someone gave me that I never used. Taking sloppy joes to a friend because there is no energy to take something more elaborate. Pitching half the contents of my baking cabinet. Letting kids go to bed grummy. Eating popcorn for lunch.

The thing is, I try my best. My best is never good enough and never will be. I will always say stupid things. I will never be the perfect person I want to be. And even in the rare moment when I am proud of myself, there will immediately follow a moment of self-loathing.

I guess that is why we have Jesus, eh?

3 comments:

:: Suzanne :: said...

Hello,

If you would like to join in the June Adoption Blogpost Round-up, our theme this month is Attachment. For more information and to find Mr. Linky, please visit the Adoption BlogPost Round-up post at :: Adventures In Daily Living :: .

Best,

Suzanne

Gwyn said...

sloppy joes and all are a BIG hit with kids! I keep telling myself that it's because I care about what others think - but I am beginning to realize that what they think doesn'y matter - it's what God thinks and what I teach my children about what matters.

VAIL said...

I just read over several of your enteries, and boy are we alike in many ways!
I just finished the book "Quaker Summer" by Lisa Samson, and can't stop thinking about what matters and what doesn't in my life, and is the answer what it should be? Highly suggest this book!
I too find my good is never good enough. I always goof up, I always say something the wrong way, I'm never exactly who I want to be.
But OH, how I LOVE MY LIFE! I have a husband who so loves me! I can't understand why sometimes, but he does. He is so good looking, has such a good body, he is good at everything he tries, he is athletic, knowledgable - and did I mention he honestly LOVES ME. He forgives me. He's my best friend. He's an AWESOME father. My life is SO perfect. (

Yet something is missing . . . . refer to the Quaker Summer book again!)

As far as your site meter - it's summer, people are at the pool, beach, vacation, etc. It's not you - it's just the schedule. I usually check blogs everyday when school is in session, but during the summer it is hit or miss! Don't get discouraged!

Oh, and one last thing - I am so with you on the boy's underware thing! I mean, I noticed the other day while doing laundry there were size 8 and 10 underware in my 12 year old's drawer. He's never said anything - but OUCH! They've got to be snug! I'm going today to get him some that fit!

Thanks for the fun blog!