Friday, December 08, 2006

Best Friends

Yesterday was one of those days where so many things came clear. For years I've complained that I'm lonely and I can't tell Hubs why. It isn't that I can't find someone to spend time with or that I don't have plenty to do. But on those days when I am just at odds with myself I feel like there is no one to call. But yesterday I figured it out.

I'm no one's go-to person.

I'm a great call-in-a-crunch person. I'm a great pinch babysitter. Go to piano recital with not much notice person. Bring a snack to a meeting that starts in 30 minutes person. Offer my home to host something when the original host got sick person. But no one calls me in the throes of a real crisis. I'm usually on the list. I'm often in the lineup of "let Jamie know, okay?" I ALMOST always find out when the crisis has passed but before it is mentioned in passing at the next gathering. Friends, family, you name it.

And this is a problem why? Because that leaves me with no one to call when I'm having a crisis. Like the person on the other end of the line is wondering why I called them. Part of my problem is that the person I would call my go-to person has become a lot of people's go-to person and she doesn't need anymore people caling her with a crisis. My second go-to who has become my go-to has more on her plate than I can even imagine so my stuff seems so petty. But part of it is that you can only be brutally honest with someone so many times without reciprocation before you start feeling naked at a party.

So last night Hubs and I were trying to figure out why neither of us was anyone's emotional go-to person (because everyone will come to him to solve a technical problem). We decided we must be holding ourselves emotinally unavailable. But I don't know how to be any more emotionally available. I don't keep an immacualte house. I don't have perfect children. Heaven knows I don't look the part of perfection, ever. I confess my failings. I send out invites like crazy. but there must be some part of my make up that says "not available." How many times do you tell a people "stop by anytime" "come over in the morning for coffee" "if you need a nap, please call me to watch you squirt" "I have been there...if you need to talk, I promise not to speak" before you just pack it in and quit?

That wasn't a rhetorical question.

And is there any way to get out of this place I'm stuck without just moving to another town, church, whatever and starting over?


kpjara said...

Sometimes the person you think has too much to handle is the perfect GO-TO person because he/she is so consumed with stuff it would be a welcome diversion to realize others are struggling as well.

What's been so amazing as my sister is recovering from her own 'issues' is the absence of friends I thought would really be there and so I find myself consumed with thoughts and unable to process or move forward because of it!

I can totally relate to this post! Even having good friends that I do.

Kaye Dacus said...

If you figure out the answer, let me know. Believe me, moving or changing churches doesn't help--I've tried (well, not because I didn't have a go-to person, but moved because of other circumstances). I always think that at the next place, that's where I'll meet the person who will be my best friend for life.

You see, I thought I had met that person in college. She initiated the friendship--freaked me out a little in the beginning because she was so intense in pursuing a friendship with me. We were inseparable for the two years before I dropped out of school. Her friendship and prayerful support kept me from doing myseelf harm when I fell into a deep depression. Even after I dropped out and moved hundreds of miles away, we stayed as close as ever with cards and letters and occasional late-night phone chats. Then, several years ago, when I was going through a major crisis in my life, she decided she needed some distance--she couldn't "deal with" my "issues" any longer. Since then, I haven't had that confidante, that "crisis management" person. I have lots of friends, but no one to call my "best" friend.

So, I've decided that God is trying to teach me to depend on Him more and on my human friends less. I'm not having much success with it, but just keep praying He will direct me to the right people, the ones He has prepared to have that intimate friendship with. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.

Hang in there and never give up hope. I know it's hard not to feel "used" by your friends who rely on you to do stuff but don't take you into their confidences or see you as someone they can share their inmost needs with. It's not anything you're doing wrong. Remember, everyone else surrounding you is a fallable human creation, too. Maybe it's not just one person you're supposed to have as a go-to. Maybe God has given you so many friends and connections because He wants you to have a large base of go-to people.

I'll be praying for you!