Monday, November 23, 2009

Caution: Explicit Material

A little over a year ago, a good friend of mine was faced with "the talk" because her son was reading through the Bible and ran across a term he hadn't heard before...

"Sexual Relations."

It's a great story. You should probably go read it on her blog. (Poop on Jelly in my sidebar.) But this story isn't really her story. No, it's mine. Unfortunately.

You see, after I heard her story, I meant to immediately go check my kids' Bibles to see what words they used. I was raised on the King James and I know for a FACT that it gave me no Sex Ed. Sure, Adam lay with Even and she bore him Cain. My kids know I LAY with their daddy, they bust in and join us LAYING (better known in the English language as lying) in our bed all the time. And they aren't old enough to recognize the euphemism of LAY, ifyouknowwhatimean, nor have the busted in on any of THAT.

Fast forward, less than a month later, PRINCESS decides it's time for HER to read through the Bible. Next thing I know, she's gesturing wildly to me in the middle of worship and pointing at her Bible. All I can see on the page directly above her pointy little finger is

SEXUAL RELATIONS (insert scary music).

Yes, I do think I thought, Oh, Dear Lord. But no, just below that little finger of my seven year old princess was her youngest brother's name. Look, Mama, Charming!

I breathed a sigh of relief, waited an appropriate amount of time, and confiscated her Bible (Children's International Version). I replaced it with a New King James.

I actually confiscated every Bible in the house that used "sexual relations" and put them UP.

Several months later, when I reorganized the bookshelves, it slipped my mind. And when Princess said something along the lines of, "Look, Mama, I found my Bible!" I figured she was in Exodus and it was probably OK for the time being. I'd bide my time until I could confiscate it again.

I missed the subtle fact that when you have four children, you don't remember things unless you see your children interacting with said thing. At which point you have a hard time confiscating them.

Leviticus didn't occur to me. As in Levitical rule. As in "Don't have sexual relations with a women during her period" or whatever the CIV calls it.


I was off at Bible study, laughing my way through the tears when Daddy was blindsided.

He's reading the kids "The Lightning Thief" which apparently has a character whose mother isn't married.

Princess: How did she have a baby if she wasn't married?
Daddy: They did it in secret.
P: Got married?
D: Um, Yeah. (uh, noooooo)
P: Oh, I've been meaning to ask you....(page through Bible)...what's "sexual relations?"
(Did I mention there is a roomful of brothers, two of them younger, present?)
D: Mom will tell you all about that...later. (Meaning when I get home.)
P: When I'm older?
D: (heaves a sigh) Yeah.

Princess has been hearing that a lot lately.

P: Mom what are those?
M: Mommy things.
P: I know, but what are they for?
M: I'll tell you when you are older and need them yourself.

Yup, I'm a wuss. But she kept accepting that. Who would fight it if their child kept accepting "I'll tell you when you're older?" I figured I'd ride that train until it came in to the station and demanded I disembark.

So, remembering Mrs. Nurse Boy's son and the fact that he asked his teacher in the MIDDLE OF BIBLE CLASS (went over the heads of the youngers, not so much the olders), I wanted to save Princess from making the same, um, mistake and feeling later embarrassment. (I also already knew the Bible teacher's answer: that's a very good question and you should ask your parents, so I knew I wasn't going to get away with leaving it to the adults.) So, I pulled her aside this morning and we had "the talk" except "the talk" didn't go the direction I expected.

M: So, Princess, Daddy said you had a question for me last night.
P: Uh, huh. But I forgot what it was.
M: Well, do you want to skip it, then?
P: Can't you tell me?
M: Yes, but (very long dialog about how it was Daddy's responsibility to tell her brothers and she wasn't to do it, nor tell her best friend because I knew for a fact she hadn't had "the talk" either and I would answer any questions she had, but she shouldn't ask anyone else....especially her bible teacher...blah, blah, blah.) So, hon, sexual relations is something a Mom and Dad do to help God make a baby.
P: You mean marriage?
M: Yeah, but something more.
P: OK. How many ships are on your pants? One, two, three....giggle. (run off)

Is it just me or do you think she still wants to stay little?

Thank God.

I let her go.

But I tell you what, the Children's International version should come with a label.

Warning: Contains Explicit Material


Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

WHAT?!?! You got out of it??!! You LUCKY DOG, you!!!

Mrs. Nurse Boy

Sir Nottaguy-Imadad said...

Crackin' me up. Seeing that my youngest is 27, I have a feeling the grandkids are going to ask the same questions. I'll tell them to go ask their momma.

Chaos-Jamie said...

I'm sure there is some danger with Splenda...though she may be past that already, huh?

Senior Citizen said...

Thank goodness for Senior Granny. Now where did my coffee cup go? Sr.

Chaos-Jamie said...

Thanks goodness for cousin Debbie you mean. Granny only had to confirm, much to her dismay considering the terminology Debbie used. (not vulgar, just childish.)

Senior Citizen said...

Debbie? Bad day in seniors ville. Don't recall debbie or where I lost that darn coffee cup. Darn fly on the ceiling. Cup not there either. Sr;

Lynette said...

Rebecca (age 11) and I had quite the discussion on male anatomy a few weeks ago. She was asking, and I figured it was best to hear straight answers, so I plowed right on through all the technical terms and the sketch of the male anatomy in her (christian!) book.

I didn't quite explain how the baby gets made though, but she didn't ask. She knows that "sex" makes a baby, but I doubt she really knows how. Guess I better tackle that one next.

Kristin hasn't had any real questions yet.

Julie Carobini said...


David said...

Our little one (6) got into the CIV and typed a lot of words into daddy's read the text program. Read: horrified parent racing to the other side of the room, confiscating laptop.

I think we're just going to have the teenagers type in their versions and ask questions.

Thanks for the laugh.