Monday, November 06, 2006

An Open Letter to Husbands re. puke

If, after a long day of football, you have fallen asleep in your recliner and you are "rudely" awakened by your half naked wife who is stage whispering, "Hubs, I need your help!" here are a few tips:

1. Please don't act like the awakening is rude. It is after all, after 11 PM and she was sleeping, too.
2. When you do become fully awake twelve minutes later you might clarify with your wife that she did, in fact, say "half the room is covered in puke" and could potentially not be exaggerating.
3. Don't act like she didn't warn you when you step in said puke.
4. After you stand like a zombie and watch her clean up the puke, gagging herself, you could grab your own rag and begin wiping.
5. But if you aren't going to do that, you could at least not comment on how bad the smell is.
6. Thank you, by the way for taking the squirto and putting him in his bed.
7. While your wife is downstairs throwing all the linens and disgusting nightclothes in the washer, now is not the time to begin brushing your teeth so that you can go to bed.
8. When said wife returns and points out that there is still more puke to be cleaned up, you still have the opportunity to do more than say "oh."
9. When wife points out that she was on the bed when child began puking and you have inspected bed and declared it puke free--let's say it together, don't crawl into bed before you clarify that the rest of the room has been wiped up.
10. While wife is in the shower washing the puke out of her hair, you could at least ask if there is anything else to be done before you go to sleep.
11. But if you want to redeem yourself from all wifely wrath, bound out of bed when squirto begins "coughing" again, hold him as he wretches, wet a rag and wash off his face when he is done, and get him settled, then whisper, "Love you" to wife just before she nods off. Oh, and skip your early morning meeting to drive other two children to school. Very well done. Consider yourself redeemed.


Anonymous said...

oh hon, I'm not sure if I should hope it was kid puke and not your own puke. because there is just nothing worse than cleaning up your own puke with no help in the middle of the night. but then again, I would hate for it to be kid puke because then it might continue past one night.

Jessica Dotta said...

Oh man, tough night!