Monday, July 07, 2014

Intentional Optimism

When you run into me on the streets or in the library or at church, there's a good chance that you'll walk away from the interaction thinking you've never met someone so enthusiastically negative before. Even if you aren't thinking it, I'm thinking it. And there's a good chance I'll be kicking myself for several hours afterwards.

I'm tired. Lord, I am so tired. I'm tired and jaded and bitter and angry and it spills all over my attitude so that even I am sick to death of myself.

I didn't used to be this way. My mom used to comment that everything comes up roses for me and I fully agreed. But let me be the first to tell you that the last three years have murdered my spirit. It has been an absolute slaughter, but instead of being over quick and dirty like, it has been the slow bleed out with just enough transfusions to make me live another day.

I drink two 12 cup pots of coffee a day. And I slog through the day like I am not existing on stimulants alone.

My husband, though less dramatic about it, is the same. We have become angry people. Angry, tired people. Angry, tired people that go on walks and hash through our days and try to figure out how to not be so angry and tired and bitter and jaded all the time. How to not answer the phone wondering what this person wants from us that we are physically, spiritually and mentally unable to provide. (Hint: if they aren't offering coffee, we probably don't have the energy for it.)

So, on our most recent walk/therapy session, we decided that together we will read Learned Optimism and, dammit, we are going to learn it.....again. We used to be suck positive people and we want to be those people again.

After this post, it is my intent to reopen the blog with enthusiasm and positivity and optimism and joy. I may not be feeling it, but I'm going to type it until I do. When I first started this blog it was a place to hash out my thoughts and come to a resolution where I remembered that God is still God and He is Good. All the time.

Here's hoping.

I told Brent that I'm afraid to only talk about the good things because I really want people to understand that my life isn't sunshine and roses all the time, so let it be said now and forevermore, sunshine and roses are rare about these parts. Don't forget that. I may put up a brave online face and make it seem like we have it together, but I have sucky days too. Don't hate me for all the beautiful that I am determined to find.

This feels fake to me and I'm a Don't Bother If You Can't Be Real kind of girl. But as of today, I'm going into fake it till you make it mode.

Pray for me.
And starting in