I know I've been quiet.
I've been mulling.
And hugging.
And doctoring.
And sighing.
And praying.
And panicking.
And questioning.
And crying.
And kissing.
And serving.
And breathing.
And collapsing.
And thanking.
And smiling.
When I didn't want to.
And scowling when I did.
I've bought lots of popsicles.
And served lots of sloppy joes.
And gagged.
I've let my older daughter be the parent because she's better at it.
I've let my sons have sleepovers in the girls' room because I'm tired of it.
I've parked, and pooled, and zoo'd, and baseballed, and candylanded.
And sometimes I've gotten a shower.
I've fallen asleep before my younger daughter more times than I can count.
I've resented the songs that propelled me through the last year.
And I've found new ones to sing along with, loudly.
But mostly when I'm in the car alone I bask in the silence.
I sneak out to the grocery store with one kid at a time and never with the new one.
And I've never been so grateful when the neighbor kids come calling.
I don't answer the phone.
I don't answer emails.
I don't answer texts.
I don't answer the door.
I pay my bills late.
I forget to get the mail.
I forget to sign my kids up for camps.
I frequently beg for mercy.
And have been given a lot of it.
I have ants.
And fruitflies.
And something freak nasty that I can't find but needs to get out of my house.
My cat continues to kill birds and leave them for me.
I still can't pronounce my daughter's name.
And I can't tell when she's feeding me a line and when she's telling truths.
I lose my temper.
And I have compassion when I shouldn't.
I look horrid in a swimming suit (yay, June....)
And I don't see it improving anytime soon.
Since I self medicate with sugar.
In other words:
It's just a different kind of the old kind of chaos.
I've been mulling.
And hugging.
And doctoring.
And sighing.
And praying.
And panicking.
And questioning.
And crying.
And kissing.
And serving.
And breathing.
And collapsing.
And thanking.
And smiling.
When I didn't want to.
And scowling when I did.
I've bought lots of popsicles.
And served lots of sloppy joes.
And gagged.
I've let my older daughter be the parent because she's better at it.
I've let my sons have sleepovers in the girls' room because I'm tired of it.
I've parked, and pooled, and zoo'd, and baseballed, and candylanded.
And sometimes I've gotten a shower.
I've fallen asleep before my younger daughter more times than I can count.
I've resented the songs that propelled me through the last year.
And I've found new ones to sing along with, loudly.
But mostly when I'm in the car alone I bask in the silence.
I sneak out to the grocery store with one kid at a time and never with the new one.
And I've never been so grateful when the neighbor kids come calling.
I don't answer the phone.
I don't answer emails.
I don't answer texts.
I don't answer the door.
I pay my bills late.
I forget to get the mail.
I forget to sign my kids up for camps.
I frequently beg for mercy.
And have been given a lot of it.
I have ants.
And fruitflies.
And something freak nasty that I can't find but needs to get out of my house.
My cat continues to kill birds and leave them for me.
I still can't pronounce my daughter's name.
And I can't tell when she's feeding me a line and when she's telling truths.
I lose my temper.
And I have compassion when I shouldn't.
I look horrid in a swimming suit (yay, June....)
And I don't see it improving anytime soon.
Since I self medicate with sugar.
In other words:
It's just a different kind of the old kind of chaos.
3 comments:
Oh, Jamie. I love this. Your last few lines about the newest family member (and the swimsuit..)? Yep, that's me. That's us right now. Feeding us a line? Needing compassion? Most days I don't have a freaking clue. So here's to making it up as we go along!
Hang in there sweet sister! I love you very much and am anxious to come play in your chaos this summer...since you need more chaos:)
Big Sis
change the cast and the backdrop just a bit and we're mirroring your story over here. feels like a tragicomedy, most days. :)
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