The short story is I want to adopt again.
The long story goes something like this:
I was just marveling last night about how ungrateful I am. God has given me this wonderful gift of the ability to bear and bring forth extraordinarily healthy babies. And what I am really drawn to do is adopt.
It is like having straight hair in a world of curly haired people who want your straight hair, but you just wish you had a little body in yours.
I would know about that, too.
I used to think that all I wanted out of life was to be able to be pregnant, and stay pregnant, just once. And after I adopted Eldest, I was thoroughly convinced that pregnancy wasn't necessary to unconditionally adore a small person.
Then God healed me.
I was watching a show I shouldn't have been watching last night when one of the characters said something like, "She was adopted and she deserves to have someone in her life that looks just like her." This is in reference to why a woman should be able to have a biological baby even if the husband can't produce the necessary requirement for her to do so.
I've never been all that caught up in my genetics. Maybe it is because my children don't look like me; they look like Hubs. But I get frustrated nearly every time that someone exclaims, "He looks just like you! (Or Just like his daddy!)" I know it is meant to be a complement, but can they not see my other son, right there, that also wants to be like Daddy? And aside from that, how many more of those people do we need in the world? Have another one, just like the other one?
If that is what people want to do, more power to them, but my idea of a family being carbon copies went out the window many a year ago. It frustrates me to no end that most of us look alike. Even though I think ALL my children are incredibly wonderful.
How selfish is that?
(I've been through infertility and I know someone is hacked off at me right now. I would apologize except perspectives change with life circumstances.)
So last night I was on this website. I watched their videos and cried and cried. I want so badly to provide a home for some of those children.
Here's my dilemma. God is the author and creator of life. He doesn't create life without a purpose. So, is it wrong to prevent pregnancy in order to care for the children already in this world? Because essentially I'm telling God that I know better. Or is this one of those situations like skin diseases of the Old Testament that God put me in the world at such a time as this so that I could prevent? I am so confused.
I don't want to open a whole can or worms with a controversial issue. This is just where my mind is right now and I'm trying to sort it out. Biblical directive to "Be fruitful and multiply" vs. "Pure and undefiled religion is this: to care for the orphan..."
Because I'm telling you, with today's laws and my ability to handle stress, both ain't gonna simultaneously happen.