Monday, January 25, 2010

The Things I Don't Say

I've noticed that there are a lot of things I don't say anymore. Partly because I'm trying to stop myself from saying everything that comes to mind (people tend to look curiously at you and/or become offended), but partly because, well, hmmmm, not even sure I should say that.

Makes for a boring blog, really.

I'll say it straight out: I care too much what people think. I don't like to hear criticism. I hate being pitied. I don't like to feel judged. I don't want to hurt people.

I so closely guard what I say here and in person that I think I've distanced people. I've become a trite, frivolous little conversationalist. I let about three people in on what's on my mind or what's going on in my life. One of them is God.


I'm not sure what to do. Particularly in regard to this blog. If only "strangers" (and by that I mean people I have never met in person thought I may feel like I really know you from your blog) read it I'm pretty gut honest. I haven't been gut honest about my life in, I don't know, 18 months? I'm honest, I just leave out details. Which some people equate with lying.

I started a super secret no one knows where it is except me and one other person blog, but I've found that I don't use it.

I journal, but it isn't satisfying.

There isn't a point here and Hubs wants to eat lunch, so I guess I leave this here. With an apology for not being completely open. But I'm not sure I can do anything to change it.


No comments: