Tuesday, September 04, 2007

But you know what?

There's only so long a woman can die to herself and not just give up and die altogether.

A couple years ago I started a book called, "Everyone wants a piece of me! (and I've got no pieces left)." It was everything you'd never want in a book. And thus the reason it never went anywhere.

Believe it or not, I don't get a great deal of satisfaction out of whining.

But that's what I want to do now. Here at 11 pm. Hours, yes hours after I went to bed but am still not allowed to sleep. Why? Because I am a mother. And this is one mother who would currently like to cash in her title and go lay on a beach somewhere where cabana boys bring her drinks.

And right now, as I always do, I want to go back and correct that, or at least qualify it, saying you know I don't mean that. Except it sure feels like I mean it. And I'm tired of qualifying everything I write. The skin is falling off my hands. I don't get to sleep. I do my darned best for my kids who don't appreciate it. People want answers from me RIGHTNOW, but don't bother to answer my queries for weeks on end and only if I endlessly nag to get the answer and long after the answer could have helped me even the tiniest little bit. I feel like I am stretched so thin that the littlest thing will cause me to snap and yet I'm still asked for more. And then I sit down in church and hear a sermon about SELF-FREAKING-DENIAL.

Now, I hope I have vented enough that I can go to sleep. For heaven only knows that I may just used up the only 10 minutes I'll get this week.

I am so going to hate that I published this tomorrow morning.

Or maybe not. I just heard someone fall out of bed. At least I didn't have to pry my eyes back open to deal with that one.


Julie Carobini said...

Reminds me of an article in one of my favorite Christian magazines that had the audacity to declare that people with depression need to consider that there are many others out there worse off than them. Yeah, that'll heal them. Sheesh.

A mother's job is 24/7. Worth it, yes. But when those miniscule moments of quiet come, feel no guilt over plopping onto the couch with a good book and a piece of chocolate. Now go :)

Angi said...

Sounds like you REALLY need a vacation. Two years ago I was at the end of my line. Worn out. Three kids, a full time job, bible study leader, sunday school teacher. I was exhausted. I was spiritually tired. Then, by some miracle my Dad decided to take my sister/husband, me/husband, him/girlfriend, and my grandmother whose 80th birthday we were celebrating - on a 12 day cruise. I didn't have to pay for a thing. Now, I know this is not an option for most people - but the moral is still the same. After that 12 days, I have not been the same person. I left part of me on that boat and thank the Lord it has not returned. I have not been exhausted or worn out like I was before. So, really, try to get away, for as long as possible, to RELAX. Not to go sightseeing all day every day you are gone. You need to go and enjoy some scenery, relax, be still.
Good luck, I'll be praying the opportunity presents itself soon!