Friday, April 21, 2006

The Doubt Sets In

I'm so frustrated I could cry and it's not because I just sat down on a wet toilet seat (when will I learn?).

No, the thing is, I know that I'm supposed to have another baby. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to adopt her. Or maybe this is my own evil desires overriding my obedience. But there is no money to pay for this adoption as far as I know. Under those circumstances, it seems that agencies and international are out. Which leaves foster care. Which practically eliminates infants in Kansas at least.

You know, back before we were married we had a plan. We agreed on this plan. It was a good plan. The plan didn't happen. Instead of the plan--marry, get pregnant, graduate (college), have baby, have three more babies, when babies are in middle school adopt a sibling group, have large, colorful family--instead of that we got what we got. Marry, fail to get pregnant, graduate, hear hints that we should get pregnant, call foster system, get told off (too young, too stupid(okay she didn't use the word stupid, but she insinuated it)), get pregnant, miscarry, again, minor fertility testing (ovulating (duh)), find agency, wait, find another agency, wait, get call , get another call, get another call, actually get baby, get another call (other agency), get pregnant, have baby, finalize adoption, get pregnant.

Now, six years later I want to jump back into the system, except the first time we did this was in 2000. Do you remember the stock market in Y2K? Let's specify that, do you remember the stock market in March of Y2K? We made a lot of money. We lost a lot in April, but March was good and so was God and we managed to get enough out to pay the fees.

Yes, I know about the tax credit. The thing about tax credits, at least the adoption tax credit is that you have to actually owe the government the money to get it credited back to you. Did I mention we haven't made a lot lately? Enough to live on and a little extra, but not exactly $10K credit worthy (yes I know it can come over several years).

Part of the problem is we want a baby, a girl baby, a brown girl baby. We aren't picky or anything. Sigh.

Only God.

I just wish He'd let me in on the secret of how she is coming, because I'm out of ideas.


Anonymous said...

At the risk of you not hearing this because it will sound like a platitude ... God really is good, and He'll figure this one out without you. So, be Mommy to your current three kiddos and know that nothing you do or don't do will slow down or stop God's plan.

Took me eleven years of waiting for my husband to get out of engineering and into the ministry to figure that out.

Which is why I figure it might not sink in for you right now. But I can hope!

Anonymous said...

Ick, my last post made it sound like I was sitting around waiting for my husband to hop to it and do what I wanted -- we were actually both waiting. As my daughter prayed this morning, "Thank you, God, for giving my Daddy his dream job!"

Chaos-Jamie said...

Eh, it would only sound like that to someone who didn't know you and your heart.

And I'm learning s-l-o-w-l-y.

Anonymous said...

Might be in this boat next time around. Do you look at your "plan" now and see that God knew what he was thinking and feel like a bit of the"why" and the "how" and the prefection of HIS plan are being revealed?

This will be like that too in about 5 years or so. My plan is all messed up too -- I am accepting it more daily but this wasn't my plan. I had to grieve the loss of the plan first but now I am getting the peace that comes from seeing the other plans HE has rearrranged in my honor.