Thursday, August 23, 2007

Bring the Rain

As it turns out, the issues I thought I had Sunday were small potatoes compared with what was coming. Thankfully God prepared me. How I wish, now, that all I had to worry about was the nursery system and the nursing mom's room and the catch 22 for the mother of the 5 month old.

Hubs and I lost a pant load of money this week. I'm tempted to type the number because it, quite possibly, would make most of you audibly gasp. I would make me audibly gasp if, say, I wasn't numb. I like to have that effect on people (shame!). However, sticking with the "we aren't giving anyone numbers" philosophy that we set forth (so that if this deal took place no one would treat us differently), I'll let you use your imagination.

Now you are probably thinking much larger than it really is. I think that might have back fired. Whatever.

Funny, I say we lost it, but the issue isn't that we lost it, it is that we never got it in the first place. It was looking really good. And we were really careful to not spend it before we got it. But as the week has worn on, reality is setting in. We'd mentally spent it.

Gone is the new carpet. I knew that Monday. And I consoled myself and Hubs that Charming has to be potty trained anyway. No big loss. We would survive. And gone are the new kitchen counters, but frankly, I'm used to the chipped yellow.


Gone is the aquarium that I planned to buy for the science class I'm teaching this year.

Gone are the funds for the adoption I hoped to complete next spring.

Gone the foundation we'd hoped to set up to help others pay for adoption expenses, building orphanages, and funding missions trips.

Gone the camera I wanted to buy to feed video to the nursing mom's room.

Gone the 45th anniversary trip I hoped to buy for my parents.

Gone the shoe store gift certificate I planned to buy for the best babysitter EVER (who just got engaged and, as my mom once said, no woman should ever get married until she's bought all the shoes she wants, because men don't get it).

Gone the elaborate Christmas presents that I would finally get to buy for our extended families (after years of being the skimpy gifts under the tree). (Interestingly, I"m not disappointed for my kids who get way more than they ever need already--from said generous extended family members.)

Gone silly little things like the frozen custard double date I promised a friend when the deal went through and the more expensive trip to Houston's, my FIL's favorite restaurant, ON US, for once.

But, you know, it is the custard date and the aquarium that put me over the edge into a funk. Thirty dollars. It is the thirty dollar items that I miss the most right now. I'm back to not being able to do the thirty dollar things.

We eat well, and, as a friend told us this weekend, it isn't like we are living in a cardboard box by the river. We have it really good. But we have it really good because we don't do the thirty dollar things.

Ugh. I didn't mean to make this a poor poor pitiful me.

My point was that God prepared me. When the bad news started trickling in on Monday, I was okay. We have it good.

When Hubs and I were discussing Tuesday whether it was faith to keep expecting the deal to happen or to let it go without a fight, we didn't have an answer.

And yesterday morning I heard Mercy Me's "Bring the Rain" with new ears. It's been an encouraging song for me for several months (I think I posted about it a couple months ago) but this time a new line jumped out at me.

"...if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain."

That was my prayer yesterday. Not, "please God, please let the company sell." Not, "give me the courage to face this disappointment." Not "infect those jerks with boils." Just "if this is what it takes to praise you..."

That continues to be my prayer.

Interestingly, there has been a lot more prayer and praise this week also.

As one of the partners said, we are cash flow positive, these guys weren't the savior of our company. They certainly aren't the savior of us. And as much as I would have liked to "use the money for good" and hoped that we would, maybe we wouldn't have and God was saving us from ourselves. Maybe He'll use this to make even a bigger deal. And maybe we needed to know that our money wasn't needed to solve all the problems that we'd hoped to solve by throwing money at them.

Like He told me on Sunday: If you depend on man (US, for example) you get a man's solution. If you depend on prayer, you get God's solution. I'm sure His solution is much better anyway.

Meanwhile, we would welcome prayer. The disappointment is great. And if you wanted to throw in a few boils for the other guys...


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I wish I had know, I would have been in prayer for you (even for boils, or at least a painful zit or two).

Can I say this? Perhaps this isn't a "no"? Perhaps this is a heavenly pause before God opens up His blessings?

It is clear that through the "rain", you still see the blessings around you. You are disappointed, but not blaming God. You "get" that He's already provided. I believe God's looking for just such a person. Someone HE trusts with earthly treasures, someone who wholeheartedly wishes to bring Him glory with such things.

So perhaps this is simply a pause before a deep, grace-filled breath that is ready to blow across your life.